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July 1st, 2007
dont you hate it when a single line in a song sums up everything you've ever wanted to write. :
compters should come equipt with a 'slap' function.a mechanical hand that emerges from the moniter and slaps the user back into the real world every few hours or so.or message that appears on the screen,like 'remember your friends?' or 'eat something' or oh god shut up nosebleed kid.'go write something good'.
June 29th, 2007
yeah i can and will drink tea in the shower(fuck you everyone who never believed in me).whilst i was doing just that a few minutes ago i noticed that my new shower gel is made by 'sara lee'.it didnt make me smell like toaster danishes-as was expected-but rather those toilet sanitizing cake things that you hang from the bowl and turn the water blue when you flush. :
shes single lads!
i've pretty much worked a thrust or two into my everyday life despite the fact that i am celibate..(well not really..'celibate' suggests that i choose to be an bitter,sexless husk.this is not the case-i'm just quite undesirable for some reason.maybe its the fact that i seem to have a deeper connection with my blog than with any living organism.or that everything i say is twat.or that use curse words as adjectives.or that i dress like a cross between your grandmother,a kindergarten kid and a scungy whore.but anywaY,i'm not actually fussed about being..whatever i said before..a sexless husk.hmm.
.its just fun to talk about how pathetic and lonely i am.well,not really fun but it passes the time between my morning tea/shower and crawling into bed alone
late at night *weeps silently to self*.)thrusts just offer great closure to sentences that mayve otherwise resulted in an awkward silence(result of thrusting during conversation will probably be slightly disgusted smirks depending on who your friends are.)or any sentence actually.a thrust at the punchline of a joke is sure to heighten its amusement value.
failed job interview,chat-up line or whatever?thrust and run away-this will assert the fact that you dont give a fuck as you know that you kick arse.this is the power of a thrust.i'm not actually that bigger fan of thrusting at air.i just have nothing better to talk about.
Last night I slept for about 2 hours-during which time I dreamt I was eating a ham sandwich. Its not like I'm subconsciously lusting after ham or something (or am I...cue x-files music).I never even liked ham. :
Anyway, so I woke up really hungry and found some gyoza dumplings in the freezer. The pack stated one of the ingredients as being 'vegetarian meat'. Whatever.
I swear I got a tiny bit of chicken or something-you could tell it wasn't vego meat as it actually tasted of something...I dont really get those tofu dogs or vego burgers/steaks,why would someone who doesnt like eating meat want to eat something that looks like it?
Whilst I was eating my delicious dumplings with miso I started thinking about Japanese people and the fact that fat ones don't exist. (Except sumo wrestlers. actually I don't know how they managed to get that big before Japan was westernized. they must've eaten pure animal fat or something because the Japanese diet just inst fattening, ever.)
Then I thought that I ought to eat Japanese food everyday seeing as its tasty and wont turn me into a blimp. So I'm going to do so.
In other news- my house is infested with ants. I'm not really sure why, I probably left the lid off the peanut butter or something and they flocked to it...like ants to peanut butter (like my simile? I feel my writing has really progressed this year. I'll make a fine journalist yet.).If those ads from a few years ago have taught me anything it's that ants love Kraft peanut butter, even if nobody else does.
Seriously, I have ant bites.
i just came here to say.. :
'whoo-broadband comes tomorrow.and with it the end of all my problems..'
and also because i cant sleep.
i'm going to go eat peanut butter.
June 24th, 2007
heres an 'about me' quiz for your arse!
1) who is getting broadband?
B-erm..fuck this shit.i was going to think of something comical to write here but.okay yeah,
if you guessed me,you'd be correct.
as i'm the only person in the western world who doesn't have it already,i'd say theres a 100 percent chance you guessed correctly.so,kudos to you.
you earn one top-special point.which means nothing and does nothing for you but dont you feel like you know me just a bit better now?
2) why was teen fit camp cancelled and replaced by 'pirate master'?which from what i can tell is exactly
but floating.and with less clothing.one of the 'pirate masters' states that his occupation is 'exotic dancer and scientist'.hah.
4)what am i thinking right now
those who produce most accurate answer will be bludgeoned by my clubs of praise and love.
all others will feel my clubs of disappointment.
5)which of you maggots will buy me a fucking club?
6)HEY LUCY,wanna come see 'driving school' with me at some point?it'll probably be shit but stars rupert grint and is therefore worth watching?
7)Where the fuck
has all my money gone?
last month i had $170 and now i have none and nothing physical to show for my spending.
8)is this how money works?
9)hey nadia and hans,when will you write some posts?
10)did your arse enjoy this quiz?
June 20th, 2007
my brother and his friend were playing x-box when somebody called asking for rob.somebody had the wrong number and my brother informed them of this.
my brothers friend,who in this post shall be known as simon* asked him
"did she sound hot?"
"it was a guy"
both suffer Paroxysmal fits of laughter.
when and if in conversation,a friend starts a sentence with "so a telemarketer called me today..."or whatever, i dont say "ooh,did he sound hot?"calls from total strangers are not hot.theyre annoying.
actually i've never wondered whether anybody sounds hot.
"i met a nice boy on the weekend"..."really,what did he sound like?"
in conclusion,i think simon* is in need of a root.
*his actual name.
June 16th, 2007
i'm in the process of moving my possessions into a smaller,yellower room in the house in which the computer is situated as my room is too cold for some reason. :
but had to take a break from that to eat a dough-nut(i made dough-nuts!i got the recipe from a book called "recipes from the ranch"or something.no one in my family is sure as to how it came to be in our possession.)and talk about the new white stripes video.which i saw just now.
song is called 'icky thump',i have no idea what this means but song seems to be about being drunk in mexico and i presume that jack was drunk when he wrote it.video features him staggering(and looking really cute by the way.looks very thin.and drunk) around after a red haired meg.
oh so i just wikipedia'd icky thump-its apparently derived from 'ecky thump' which is yorkshire slang for "bloody hell".also a martial art from the goodies involving a sausage.
dont put mead in coffee.if it was good people would do it-but they do not.this is because it is bad.*retches*
by the way i might be getting broadband soon.now that dads into the world of internet forums,he's more inclined to consider it.hes meeting up with some forum pals on sunday so expect an update on that.
June 13th, 2007
you-dear reader- have lovely armholes.
dad-'it looks like the disraeli gears cover
me-'the disraeli gears cover doesnt feature a lion or a witch'
'but its erm,psychedelicy
'mmm.its pretty bloody good
it took me 10 hours and about 2 litres of coffee but i've finally finished the narnia poster.its erm,psychedelicy.
i took a day off school(and bathing[i'm not gross,i erm,live art.bathe in art.]blinking,moving any part of body but right hand) to work on the blasted thing.
now my eyes hurt.but cant sleep,stop tapping fingers,urinating.
look at this snowflake.and be overcome by pretty.
you know what would be good?if i could get that snowflake to spin around.if cartoons have taught me anything-its that a pretty spinning thing is all that is needed to perform hypnosisis.you would be drawn to its pretty and you would stare until you became deeply relaxed and suggestible.then i could convince you to do my bidding.
wow.there sure are a lot of websites that will teach me hypnosis for free.
apparently right now i'm about to learn secrets about hypnosis that most humans will NEVER know.
wait a minute-this isnt free at all!arseholes.
hey you!want larger breasts?
More women are now using hypnotherapy as an alternative to surgery to increase their breast measurement, however this is still a relatively new area and quite controversial.
“Imagine now that youre on a lovely, secluded stretch of beach, there's no one around for miles and it’s a beautiful warm summer's day.
You lie down on the soft white sand, and you can hear the sound of the water gently lapping up to the shore- the sky is a lovely shade of blue and there's..."'
and so on. but wait-hypnosis can also cure your medical problems.theres a script called 'psoriasis warrior
..i spell checked this just now and arseholes isnt in the dictionary-one of the suggestions is 'armholes'.
June 9th, 2007
its time that you all knew something about me...
i'm secretly attracted to...
men eating ice cream(vanilla[despite the fact that i dont really like it myself],one scoop.in a cone.preferably not a waffle cone-the other kind).seriously-i find this really sexy.
said man must be reasonably attractive without
ice cream for this to apply.
well that is all.i'll understand if you never want to talk to me again friends.
June 7th, 2007
WOW! will 'teen fit camp' EVER stop kicking arse?
no it will not.
you know what i like to do while i watch this show?
shout things like "look,they cant even hold their arms by their sides.they stick out,like this!", "of course its hot,you're covered in like 20 inches of blubber!"and "hah!its your own stupid fault!" at the screen with my mouth full of chocolate cookies.
in the next episode it looks like one of the kids is going to flirt with bulimia-this should make for interesting viewing.
damn right i feel no sympathy for these kids.i prefer to view them as inhuman blobs of flesh.who exist only to make me feel better about myself and are somehow animated by their will to do this.
their only thought is "somewhere there is a sadistic girl watching my every wobble,who needs me in order to feel amused and slightly less unattractive for one hour every thursday." and theyre compelled to keep waddling,waddling slowly towards the..er. light
and so on.
actually-if the whole world(or at least the world of tv) really did revolve around my needs-i would just will the fit camp kids to bite off their tongues and die slowly for my amusement and they would do so.
on seccond thought-i'd prefer them to be locked in a room with nothing to consume but dust,water(and each other.they'd do it.either that or they'd all start copulating.theyre pretty promiscuous.*shudders*).and watch them starve until theyre a normal size and fit to be reintroduced to society.
you(yeah you) probably think i'm a monster.but reality tv is all about watching stupid,ugly people suffer.thats why its so popular-
all people who watch reality shows are are a little sadistic.actually,anyone who watches reality shows(which are,as a rule,insufferably revolting shite)-is definitely masochistic.sort of.
i say- amp up the pain!the humiliation!the flagellation,that'd be entertaining.
WHOO,i cant wait till next thursday.
June 1st, 2007
so in a few hours time i am a mature adult.a fully grown woman.who just spent an hour carving a stick to make "a wand!".and 10 minutes cursing riotously when wand snapped in half. : sigh
May 27th, 2007
fraternizing with the enemy.and its cake.
this morning i woke up too early and went into my mothers room.she was also awake and said that she wasnt working today so i suggested we go to ikea.
we did so.
i learned that there is no privately owned land in sweden-buildings,yes-but all parks,forests,farms etc. are public.
i read this on a sign advertising cake.isnt that nice?
i then ate that particular cake for lunch.
ikea have a lot of nice,gently persuasive signs. for example on every table in the cafe,theres a little sign that says,rather than "put lunch trays away please",something along the lines of: "why should i put my own tray away?because doing your little part to help the ikea staff will ensure that they have more time to prepare swedish food for you
.."or something.they also give you a little card that says 'thanks for putting your tray away' with a sweet attached to it upon purchasing your food.
the sweet is a 'diam' which,if ikea has taught me anything,is the swedish peoples staple food.most things in the 'sweden shop'(from which i bought rye bread mix in like a milk carton.innovative!)contain it in some form.
there are also little signs next to the furniture etc. which show photographs of the designers with little blurbs about them and whats great about their designs.thats nice.
its nice that they give their designers a little credit.i found them a good talking point
"he's sexy. and apparently,so are his whisks!"
( While i'm near the topic,i stand by my 'all swedes are attractive' theory.and will do until i visit sweden and either a]find it to be quite untrue which is very probable, or b]find it to be true.then research this phenomenon.research may involve attempting to win the affections of some attractive swede. who will not be interested in the slightest in pale,short english girl*. i will then sulk for the remainder of my life.
oh yeah,by the way lucy
,the number for cocos is: 83393077 )
so i emerged from ikea 50paper cups,50 paper plates,a pack of diam dragees,a carton of rye bread and a cd rack richer.
*they will think that i am english,i'm sure.as the italians did.i even got i few "SKINHEAD!" taunts whilst in florence.which i thought was odd seeing as at the time i did have hair.i figured it was on account of my footwear.you dont see many people wearing lace up boots in italy.after that i was on the lookout for docs.later that week i spotted two italian goth girls in black docs.as i walked closer to them i noticed that their clothes were made of black linen.for the hot weather,you know.i found this very funny-linen just isnt very dark and mysterious or whatever.
May 17th, 2007
i'm flying the flag for you, eczema sufferers
Last week Nigel insisted that I buy iron supplements because I look 'sickly' and 'pale’. I told him that is because I only left my 'room' over the holidays to use the 'toilet' and 'computer'(simultaneously) and that it’s more likely that I need vitamin d supplements. He instructed me to eat more spinach and to go down the road to get iron pills. I did so.
Two pharmacists approached me as I was perusing the vitamin shelf. I told them what was looking for and they asked me if I’d had a blood test. I said no. they said that they wouldn’t recommend taking iron unless I was certain that I had a deficiency. One said in a hushed tone that 'they could constipate you.'
I said 'if they do I’ll stop taking them' and she went on to instruct me to eat more spinach and get a blood test.’ but..'
Pharmacist 1-’it’s not recommended'
Pharmacist 2-'see your doctor'
I did so. But not about my pallor or my blood test. About my eczema. On which I was told to apply a steroid cream. I did so. And sure enough the sores disappeared from the area to which the cream was applied. But appeared in areas that I didn’t get them before. Like my shoulders. Ever heard any one complain of itchy red shoulders?
why is it that those sorts of obscure, pathetic ailments(you know the sort-not painful enough to land you pity, days of school or any nice things like that. but just painful & irritating enough to make you uncomfortable. every day)are always assigned to a victim in clusters. A kid will never just
get say, chronic nose bleeds or a skin condition but will rather get a whole group of minor ailments.
Be nice to awkward kids. Start up a conversation with one sometime- ask them about their medical history..
My mother went to the pharmacy the other day and got the pills. Which I look yesterday- no interruptions to my regular bowel movements as yet. Thanks for asking.
Anyway-the reason I’m talking about illness is. Well there’s no reason really, I just enjoy it. But while I’m on the topic I may as well mention that I’m going to the chiropractor tonight. I’ve been going every few months since I can remember, for my flat feet and resultant back problems...
The secretary gives me fashion magazines. Such as 'in style’. Which I’m not ashamed to say, I rather enjoy.infact-you'd never guess it, from the state of mine but I’m a little obsessed with clothes.
Anyhow-contrary to what you may have gathered from its content so far-this post is about eurovision.
I watched it with my dad. Who kept telling me that all European pop music is shite except that which is from England. But if the results of Eurovision are any indication, this is untrue. Europe didn’t seem to like England’s entry 'flying the flag for you' by scooch which finished 2nd last.
There we are. Attractive lot, no?
The performance featured scooch miming airplanes, in front of many tiny world flags and a massive union jack whilst singing the chorus 'we're flying the flag for you’. Every so often the brown haired guy would appear holding an item of food or drink and offer it to us in a comical voice. never thought I’d hear the line:
'WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SALTED NUTS?!' in a song.
I couldn’t decide whether the song was some kind of propaganda (are scooch trying to convince the rest of Europe to accept England as their leaders or something?) or a homage to flight attendants.
Whatever-England definitely has some better pop bands than this-dad reckons England deliberately lower their standards for euro-vision. I said to him "then isn’t it possible that the other countries also do this?"
"No. how many successful European pop bands can you name?"
"kraftwerk..See, with a few exceptions Europe just can’t sing"
"Metal is big in Europe..."
some of my favorite singers are from Europe, dad is full of shit.
what else did we learn from euro-vision?
After having watched butt after luminious, drag queen butt, gyrating on my TV screen I had to ask..
"Wow, is everyone in Europe gay?"
"Mmm.you reckon their lesbians do you?"
"What makes you say tha?"
"The suits, the way the they keep holding hands and looking longingly at the slightly masculine lead singer"
I was referring to the Serbian singer 'Maria' who took home first place. Her song was actually rather nice although I couldn’t understand what it was about. I assume it was something gay.
I hoped Sweden would win
the band was actually good?!
and the singer rather cute.infact-i don’t think I’ve ever met an ugly swede..But then, i haven’t met many Swedes.
Ahh-theres so much more to say but I’m getting pins and needles in my butt, so I bid you adieu, dear reader.
May 12th, 2007
Old Guy visits his forum every night then tells me how many replies he got. :
he got 8 yesterday.
yesterday he refered to "your bloody tube or whatever"
Current Music: coco rosie-rainbow warriors
April 4th, 2007
then god is seven!
so there was this chubby girl in front of me(pushed me aside to claim prime view of jarvis cocker with whom she was in obsessive-chubby-girl love.or so i concluded as being the most likely explanation for her behavior-which included fanning herself with her hands [elbowing me in the process] and squealing things like "come here you sexy man".though i do not judge her for this as her over excitement was almost justified as jarvis is
sexy and she,being the size of a small car,obviously doesn't get much sex.but none of this matters,as i'm just setting the scene).what really
struck me about this girl is how overwhelmingly like 'new car' she smelt!i had to look twice -what with the dim lights & smoke-to be sure that i wasn't actually standing next to a barina..(this is a lie,she wasn't even that big.but her smell really was more barina than human.)it was like someone had vacuumed her and stuffed several air fresheners under her shirt.
i kept trying to sniff her-hoping to achieve what?i dont know-until she glared at me and i then sniffed in the opposite direction with as much nonchalance as i could muster.
she left when jarvis did and i reclaimed my spot for the pixies.
by this time i'd recovered from the stress of the 'venue change debacle'-(we showed up at memorial drive to find only tennis players and a security guy who informed us that the show had been moved to thebarton.naturally-upon hearing this i kept my cool*)
-and was keen to dance & croon along with frank.i did so.
car-girl was not the hi-light of my night(believe it or not).the pixies' awesome was unfathomable.
hi-light waaass...probably 'hey'.
*screamed,swore and threw things before collapsing behind a tree to weep some.
April 2nd, 2007
in a previous post i mentioned that 'colossally' is not a real word.this was untrue.it is in fact a real word,as i had always suspected.it is not however-included in any of my new penguin dictionary's 1642 pages.i think i ought to replace it.who wants to go dictionary shopping with me?
*bats aside tumbleweed that pitters(not a real word..or is it?cue x-files music) across desk*
*arms cower at prospect of having to carry an even heavier dictionary*
speaking of books-i'm going to take this opportunity to melt your brain,dear reader with another harry potter spiel!
i'm pre-ordering 'deathly hallows' from borders.cost is thirty dollars and you receive a free plush hedwig**!(if youre reading this hans,wipe that groan off your larynx, young man..you heard me)*shakes fist at monitor*
so,I'm going to see the pixies tomorrow night.i am unable as yet to comprehend this fact and i consequently,find myself unexcited about it.i'm not a robot-what i lack now in excitement,i will make up for about 2 hours before the show.during which time i will not be able to stop shouting,fidgeting and hopping from one leg to the other(i also do this when i'm nervous..wanna be my friend?).Rather like i did before my first white stripes show-when i was sweet.erm..15,i think.at the time i had huge crush on jack white and stared unblinkingly up at him with my chin in my hands for the full hour or so,they played.
*while stocks last.
*plush hedwig is shit.
March 31st, 2007
my brother wont shower since he broke his ankle-he washes himself with a face washer while lying on the couch. :
March 30th, 2007
this post is about jamie oliver.
i watched his new show yesterday and found self vaguely attracted to him despite the fact that he is no longer cute .at all.
actually,he may've never been cute...i love the way he'll smash a whole garlic/piece of fruit with his bare hand rather than use a (pfft)knife.or talk about a marinade like he wants sex with it.and offhandedly toss away a knife which gets lodged in a nearby log before proceeding to whip a hunk of meat with a sprig of rosemary-why i dont know but it doesn't matter as he looks purposeful.
this is cooking that isn't calculated,planned or even hygenic-it kind of kicks arse.or at least 'prods buttock'.*
mmph-he was sort of cute here,if you like smug looking english boys in bad shirts..
oh-by the way!my brother broke his ankle yesterday-for full details,read his
which he doesn't have.
* this is a discworld reference kids
Nosebleed kids childhood memories- #1
There was this girl in my class in primary school,year 5 who shared a name with myself.I thought she was a 'skank' but nobody is a skank in year 5-this girl was just stupid.
One day i was sitting at a table next to her and she was sucking on the tip of her pencil.Someone asked her "why are you sucking your pencil like that",to which she replied"-i'm pretending its David heinerman's dick"
David was this gawky farm kid in my class.
March 28th, 2007
Nig' informs me that he has bought a car and joined a forum dedicated to owners of this particular car under the name 'old_guy'. :
i just joined a harry potter forum.why
would i even contemplate doing this?--its just colossaly(not a real word..) lame!!!and all of its members are obviously going to be spotty,pre-teen girls who would rather spend their time obsessing over 'harry and ginnys relationship' than forming some of their own and who've forfeited any chance that they may've had of ever making real friends anyway by becoming patrons of 'the floo network'or whatever.
whenever i visit a website and discover that it has a forum all of my brain stops working apart from one tiny retarded segment that thinks- 'ooh a forum!a chance to speak with like minded people from across the globe!!'
and so i join.
look around for about 2 minutes.think-'all these people are idiots'.
tell them so.
then leave forever
i've just made amends with my second most hated vegetable.parsnip.
i dont understand why i ever disliked it in the first place-its actually rather nice.
March 19th, 2007
learn to love vinigar!
She dangles the bottle back and forth above my head in a manner that I think is supposed to make it appear enticing
“It’s rich in pot-ass-ium!”
And so I left it. Mum left for work and it was out of my mind for one leisurely hour. Until I entered the kitchen once more-to get breakfast-and was confronted once again by the bottle of apple cider vinegar.
It was just me and it now.
I glared at it. Then a voice inside my head said: you’re err...glaring at vinegar.
Of corse I was. It’s my most hated of food stuffs!This is stupid. Why not just try it-if it’s bad-you never have to drink it again. It’s er, rich in potassium
Okayfine! How bad can something made of apples really be?
So I poured a table spoon into my morning juice.
It burned all the way down my throat. The burning was like that of spirits but the overall sensation was more acidic and the taste-oh the taste!
I had to have, something to get that horrible flavour out of my mouth.
Something basic to counter the BURNING!
Enters the voice that pops into my head ever so often and says,so this is your life
--to find me standing over the sink, washing my mouth out with soy milk.What are you doing?!
“I’m on a health kick!”
Every month my mum buys these‘health’ magazines. Containing articles with names like “learn to love brussel sprouts”
Anyway, somehow they have a big impression on mum and me.
Probably because they make you afraid that you’re going to die young and unhealthy of some obscure disease due to some deficiency of some vitamin that your body can’t produce and is only found in mung beans...somehow theyre very
Anyway-after having read this magazine-mum goes through it and makes a list of health foods that we have
to buy (unless you want
weak nasal hairs!).
And become healthy for a week or two, after which point well get sick of it.
Until the next magazine comes out! And a new list of things we need to live is made. And I have a panic attack over the bad things I’ve been eating (oh my god! these chocolate biscuits aren’t wholegrain! I’m not getting enough b-vitamins-no wonder I’m so tired!!).
February 27th, 2007
i found this 'doll roll holder' on ebay.
I MADE HALF A SCARF!
*collapses onto keyboard*
i've been up all night knitting and eating soya crisps(those things that look like 'k'nex' but do not k'ne-c.and you eat them.if you want to.
actually-i dont want to but i seem to be eating them anyway).
my fingers hurt a little and my scaf looks like a stumpy snake who has just swallowed a rodent.or possibly a lot of soya crisps.
it starts thin,then caitlin gets tired and starts watching the oscars and somehow scaf gets wider then caitlin realizes this and intentionally drops some stitches from either side and result is.bloated-snakeishly crap.
i'll be the envy of all my friends and co-workers this winter.
in other news.i think my ear may be bleeding.
yes it is.
YEAH YEAH!i love the pain!
speaking of minor injuries-my darling sibling decided his school ID card would make a nice ninja star today.it hit me on a tender spot on my forehead-which was subject to a blow this very morning from my friend the heavy wooden door.
what's that children?-you want to hear about the ingrown hair on my upper thigh?well it hap y67uthi43r ftg vb n
everybody sing.la la la la la
February 4th, 2007
R.I.P the cat formerly known as syphilis
my cat pippin-known to some as syphilis-was mauled to death by the neighbours dog,two days ago.
this fact didnt really sink in for me until yesterday,when i heard a cat mewing outside.i started calling "pippin,pippin",even though i knew my cat to be dead.i then realized how much i would miss him.
the nosebleed chronicles
this was my first nosebleed of 2007-
2nd of feburary.
the killers mosh pit.
big day out.
lucy-"YOU HAVE A NOSEBLEED"
December 24th, 2006
merry fucking christmas
its the night before christmas and nigels having an aneurysm because hes lost the pink water pistol with which he discplines the cat.now the cats up a tree,dads un-armed...when will the madness stop?!
i'm in the process of trying to make lemon meringue pie-i'm taking a short break from that venture on account of my lemon filling is looking a little gelatinous with urine-ish hues and i'm looking for a place to throw up a little.seriously-lemon meringue pie makes me sick.
no,i wont be eating it.its for my nana.
who will no doubt applaud my efforts and tell me that i'll "make a good little wife for someone"(she said that to me last christmas.i'm not kidding) upon sampling this piss jello.my nanas a little bit frightening.she has these false teeth that look as though they could crack the skulls of small animals with relative ease.i'm not saying my nana is in the habit of biting open the heads of animals and feasting on the juices within.but if she wanted to...she could.
.she looks a bit like a cuban drug lord.......
(dad just walked in holding a blue water pistol.
me-"new water pistol"
me-"is it good?"
anyway-seriously.she wears hawaiian print shirts,beige pants with creases ironed into the legs ang big gold rings.
for christmas, i should get her a cigar.
you know those toilet paper roll holders made from dolls with lacy skirts?no?i think my nana is the only person in the world who has one.the toilet roll sits under the girls skirt.
i think the drugs in the dolls head-this is nanas stash.i cant think why else anyone would want one of these doll things.
to make toilet training fun for girl children?nana may be onto something.
merry fucking christmas!
December 3rd, 2006
just broke my(fake)tooth on a cherry stone! :
i assume that- the first logical step one ought to take, having found one's self in such a situation,would be to tell all one's friends(...) on live journal about it.
then wikipedia 'broken teeth'.
then realise that wikipedia offers no useful advice.but learn that in greek mythology,when planted-dragons teeth grow into fully armed warriors.
*then maybe have a cup of tea.
*consider calling a dentist.
*realise that the denist will be at home watching tv at this time.
*go watch some tv.
*tv is shit,curse the dentist.
oh great-i'm cursing with a lisp.if someone curses at me with a lisp,i'm not offended.i'm amused and sympathetic.but mainly amused.
and thats been the last half an hour or so of my life.you read it-you cant unread it.but you can do the next best thing and thats go and have a glass(big plastic tumbler)of wine.or 4.
Current Music: soothing hum of my shitty old computer.
November 9th, 2006
you think you know a tv show!
is it just me or is the character of summer(yes friends,i'm talking about the oc- sue me)more annoying than ever or what?.i mean wow.
i hated summer when she was marrisas less hot,slightly ditsy shadow and now shes an environmental activist(?!)i hate her even more-shes not an activist(shes a weapon of mass irritation!)shes a big fat stereotype!(figuratively speaking)!
last time i checked-people concerned with the state of the environment didnt demonstrate this by ending phone conversations with the phrase "give a hoot,dont pollute!"NOBODY EVER SAYS THAT.EVER.
why do i subject myself to 40 minutes(or however many minutes of my life are wasted on oc viewing each week)of frustration and and just plain anger at the the kind of society that finds such drivel entertaining and the idiots that shat out this turd of a program- every tuesday?
i dont know-because i need to unleash my rage upon something.. and that something is summer roberts.if she wasnt a fictional character i'd..um.send her a nasty letter!hey--you know who deserves an abusive letter-the writers of the oc!fuck the pile of homework that threatens to engulf my entire room-i've the arses of people that i never have,nor will meet to kick via a letter!-or email!to the oc website!
October 27th, 2006
showering-i love it!
nothings more soothing than sapping the lifeblood(water supply) of your state via a nice hot shower-at anytime of the day/night.
i'll shower when i want,for however long i want..bay-beh!and aint no whining family members or water restrictions gunna stop me.
the ritual of showering ought not be confined to a particular time slot in your day-it ought to be celebrated and practiced as often as possible.
stressed out,need time to think?-take a shower
want to maintain high standard of personal hygiene-the half arsed way?you can cram your beauty/hygiene routine into one shower-brush your teeth and condition your hair-at the same time!dont wash AND moisturize-wash WITH moisturizer-only in a shower is such awesome achievable.
un-fulfilling job?take a sick day-spend it in the shower considering other
(un)employment options.get fired-shower more!
dissatisfying love/home/internet/school life?
hide from friends/loved ones/idiots/violent mobs--in complete warmth and comfort-in the shower!
busy?you dont have to be idle while you shower-you can complete a number of tasks while you shower.exam approaching-slide doccuments/books into plastic sleeves,study in a more pleasant environment.yes ,i've done it...
you see,the shower isnt JUST for washing,its for pleasure....and no i dont mean pleasure of a sexual nature,thats shit -showers should be enjoyed by ones self.
no i will not shower with you...
and if you happen to find me passed out,lying face down in a puddle of vomit(or whatever),clearly in need of a shower.please do not take the liberty of showering me.i dont care if youre my best friend or my mother.showers are to be taken solo--------------this is the line,never cross it.when i come to, i'd rather find myself gagging on shit(or whatever),reminded that whilst still conscious i was probably having fun and excited at the prospect of having to take a long shower, than clean and fresh and wondering why the hell i'm wearing your underwear.
hey man,buy a shower radio!i have one-its shaped like a penguin wearing a snorkel,its fucking hideous.but fun.ever fallen over backwards hitting your head on a ceramic soap holder,rendering it shit and unable to hold soap ever again whist trying to dance in the shower?i have.
know what i love doing?just standing under the shower head with my mouth open and letting the water gush in.i'm not a retard-i just love showers.
plus this helps me get enough water daily-much easier than drinking from bottles/glasses.
was there an episode of seinfeld in which kramer tried to spend a week(or something)in the shower?,or am i imagining things..no i'm pretty sure there was.ahh seinfeld.
i'd sleep in the shower if i could.tried to once but was rudely dragged out of there..come to think of it,i dunno how nadia got the shower door open-maybe i opened it..anyway,the line was crossed--i will sleep in you yet shower.next time my parents go out for the night-
fuck the murray and fuck anyone who opposes me.
i feel like showering right now!